Sunday, December 18, 2016

18 December 2016 (Sunday)

From Jean Clausen's diary:
Mother's Day May 10, 1936. get across. Followed our creek down to road about 3 miles. Played baseball. Walked off boat.
I like this chick.

Not a whole lot of sad today, probably because yesterday's crying fit got a lot of it out. Was fairly bummed and maybe a bit frustrated this morning though. I dunno. Didn't sleep at all well last night. My feet were cold the entire night, too. I took a nap around 9 for probably 25 minutes and then did a few chores. I checked the oil in the SuBAru and none was even on the dipstick so it's going to the shop at some point. Apparently these engines burn a lot of oil.

Came home and Skyped with mom and Jeff. She was doing okay. Not terribly understandable, but okay. Her left eye is open quite a lot. Made the green bean casserole stuff for dinner, but with brussels sprouts. Walked up to the tree lot to feed Juno the reindeer/caribou an apple.

I had something else to talk about but what, I don't. . . .oh yeah, I do. You know, the more I am trying to change my ways the more kind of disappointed I get in a lot of how I've lived my life. All the time I wasted not being with family. All the time wasted chasing things that I thought were supposed to make me happy (hence, the 'disappointment and frustration' I mentioned earlier), etc. This is different from when I was all anxiety-ridden (or whatever); then, I thought of all this as negatives that were ingrained in me and I couldn't do anything about them. In other words, my outside experiences were driven by my insides, my innate characteristics. Now I see that differently. I can change the way I act. And behave. And how I treat others. And I see these outer things as eventually migrating inwards and changing me that way. The inside eventually becomes the outside.

'Happiness' can still go f*** itself, too, by the way. I'm through chasing it. If I ever have any again it will be a by-product of what I do for others, not a result of what I try to do for myself. 

No comments:

Post a Comment