Tuesday, December 13, 2016

13 December 2016 (Tuesday)

I don't recall if I had a big ol' anxiety attack (or whatever) last night. I did wake up at 3:45 and didn't get back to sleep though. Was somewhat 'angry' again this morning, although it morphed into sort of a stern faced I-don't-know-what eventually.

Forgot to mention yesterday that I had come home and bawled like in infant for like 15 minutes. Just too much emotion over the last few days.

I worked on the last report this morning and then took some food donations to the church and talked with Carol about Norma's funeral service (Friday at 10 am). I got word earlier that they want me to do one of the readings. Blehh. Then went to NGate and got a mocha and sat there for a bit and then went to my doctor appt. We're quitting the Prozac Nation stuff and trying something else. I convinced her that I am a conscientious user of ambien and she wrote a prescription for a bunch more so I'm set.

Went for lunch and then did a little more work and then headed to NGate to get my prescripts filled and got new phones for us (mainly the Spousal Unit for Xmas) which she learned about because I LEFT THE STUPID RECEIPT SITTING ON THE BED. Oh well. Made dinner, walked to tree lot and fed Juno the reindeer/caribou an apple. She drooled.

There are two phrases that kept flitting through my head today that capture my feelings. The first is "Do you do this for His glory or for yours?" which is from an Indiana Jones movie and refers to Christ, but it captures what I am going through. I'm finding that the more I look away from myself and towards others -- doing things for them, making them a priority, trying to enhance their happiness, etc. -- that I have some worry that I am looking for the attention from that. I.e., more selfishness. I suppose it's a fine line, isn't it? I hope I have at lest begun the process of submerging myself in deference to others.

The second one is "Happiness can go f*** itself."

Yeah, I've gotten something of a potty mouth lately. Here anyway, I always have something of a potty mouth.

I don't want to be all bitter and stuff, and I don't think I am, but. . . . .I feel like I've wasted most of my life chasing stuff that will "make me happy". And if you say the word "happiness" to me, the first words I am inclined to think of are "frustration" and "disappointment". They say that you get what you give. I really want to forget about myself for a while. 

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