Monday, December 12, 2016

12 December 2016 (Monday)

Norma's gone. Very sad. Got the call around 9:40 and I didn't answer it because I didn't recognize the number and I was down getting coffee. Just as well, Carol (daughter) was pretty broken up. Sad day today.

Last night I woke up at 1:30 and eventually was sobbing. When I used to have these anxiety attacks (or whatever) I though for a long time that they were showing me reality. As if all the layers of consciousness and such during the day had given way to let me see things as they truly are. After a while I figured out that they were not necessarily that at all and that I had to take whatever fears I was experiencing with a large grain of salt. Sure, I would use them as a general guide to see what exactly was bothering me at any given time and work on the issue, but I was wary of taking them 'literally' if you will.

I had a big one last night. Of course, it was awful at the time but this morning I decided, as usual, to just sort of take it under advisement. However, pondering it while working out I realized that it was accurate for the most part. . . .and also that I am on the right path. To what, I don't really know. Maybe fixing the basics of what I think is wrong with me? Or doing something to provide me with that Big Goal I've been going on about? Whatever, I'm at least confident that, despite all the pain, I'm in the right direction. Not chasing 'happiness' anymore. Not letting my imagination run wild. Not seeking attention. Those are the negatives; the positives I mentioned yesterday: Being a kind, thoughtful, unselfish, good man.

And saying "Oh, f*ck it" a lot. Silently, for the most part though.

Because I was in one of my "angry" moods this morning I had an exceptional workout. I'd driven myself so I came home, ate bagel, and then bussed it downtown. I only worked until about 1:30, because I was distracted (Norma) and also I wanted to get back and see if there was anything I could do. I listened to Victoria's Requiem Mass, and then because he was a Spaniard, I downloaded Verdi's Requiem and listened to that as well (vastly inferior, IMO; sorry, Norma). No one was at home, so I just rearranged the flamingoes so that they faced her house with their heads bowed.

Norma would not have been pleased with some of the language I used while trying to get the &($&%#$_&(@) things positioned properly either. 

No comments:

Post a Comment