Sunday, December 11, 2016

11 December 2016 (Sunday)

From Jean Clausen's diary:
Easter Sunday April 12-1936 Marlene came over. got 10 baskets. Was in Easter Pro.[Parade?] Did O.K.
Not sure what all that meant. 

Rather sad day today. Spousal Unit was upset last night and I went to sleep on the floor, just because. She apologized this morning, but I told her she has nothing to apologize for. I'm the one trying to radically change my ways, and that is difficult for all involved. Honestly, I don't think I'm much the same person I was at the beginning of all this. I hope not. I hope to be someone almost totally different at the end. 

But yes, was mostly sad all day. Sometimes frustratingly so, other times. . . .just philosophically so, if that makes sense. About the only thing holding me together anymore is the desire or maybe even the need to be a kind, thoughtful, selfless good man. That's all. I sent my old crush Julie at Assumption a short email expressing my thoughts and prayers after her sister was listed in the bulletin for prayers. She thanked me for the kindness. 

I also told myself to "go f*ck yourself" a few times, too. Eh. You know. 

Slept okay. I woke up at about 3:15 and at 3:25 I went down to the floor and tossed around the idea of whether I should use some assistance or not. I did, a minor one, and didn't think I ever went back to sleep but when I sat up at one point it was 5:07 so I figured I must have been dozing in and out a lot. Felt okay. Didn't nap at all. I went to Mass, not because I really wanted to, but I wanted to see Marge, who wasn't there. I did feel better having done so though. 

Sat around the rest of the morning, went to lunch, shopping, then watched Green Bay pound the Seachickens. I would have been okay either way. 

Walked.

Had a decent practice with the guitar today. I started learning Bach's Prelude To Cello Suite #1 and gained a tiny bit of facility with it, and then just practiced Dreaming' which I am also getting pretty good at. Felt good. 

I often wish I could just dry up and blow away. Well, sometimes anyway. Every now and then. 

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