Saturday, September 17, 2016

17 September 2016 (Saturday)

No real change for today. I'll eventually quit yakking about this. I feel like I've had the flu or something for the last couple of weeks. It's kind of similar I guess.

So. Only had a couple of minor breakdowns today. Not because of any improvement in my mood but because I was around people all day. I admit that I'm reevaluating pretty much everything I do. I haven't picked up my guitar in days since, well, was I trying to play that because I enjoyed it or because I wanted the attention? Probably the latter. Beer brewing? Do I even care about beer anymore? What should I even care about?

I'm reminded of Neil Peart's book Ghost Rider wherein, after the deaths of his wife and daughter within a year of each other, set off on a long motorcycle ride to recover. Not that my situation is anything nearly that traumatic, but we end up at much the same place:

“Another important process which had to go forward during this journey was that of reconstructing myself. I expect that job will continue for awhile. Needless to say, my foundation has been shaken so profoundly that even now I have no idea about such rudimentary notions as “who am I?” and “what is life?” I used to know these things, or feel that I did, but at the bottom of my soul there’s a sense of rejection toward whatever was."
“The elemental “faith” in life I used to possess is completely gone, to the extent that I now carry the built-in assumption that whatever I used to do was probably wrong (it didn’t “work,” after all), and thus every little element of my former life, behavior, interests, and habits, was up for re-examination."

I am, perhaps, not questioning everything quite so extensively -- I find work to be a balm, always has been when I go through these things -- but the idea is the same. 

Anyway. I slept mostly through the night until 4:15 or so. Tired all day. Went for breakfast. Watched lots of football. Estate sale. Meh. 

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