Monday, September 12, 2016

12 September 2016 (Monday)

I started the recovery process today, albeit only in fits and starts. Another bad night but, through the wonders of chemistry, managed a halfway decent night's sleep. A great deal of middle-of-the-night praying and soul-searching may have produced results: I awoke with, what I hope to be, the proper pieces in place for the New Me. I won't go into details, but they all sat well with my ideas of what I want to be and should be, and were also surprisingly easy to implement, at least insofar as today is concerned. That's actually a good thing, it means they have (presumably) sunk in. I will divulge, again without going into details, the main one can be described as recognizing Attention-Seeking Bullshit.

Pardon the French.

Actually went through my ride in and workout with only resignation on my mind (for the most part) although at least through the early afternoon emotions were still exceedingly raw and near the surface (read: a couple instances of uncontrolled sobbing, so hard I dripped snot on my pants, eww, yes).

Appetite is still not there. I had lunch at NGate, my usual side of chow mein, and barely choked down 2/3 of it. It's not just some kind of self-torture thing; I've gone through this before and eating is just. . . .unappetizing. My stomach doesn't necessarily become uncomfortable, although I can often feel it as hungry, but the actual business of eating is almost a matter of forcing.

This sucks.

The phrase "Fate is an asshole" popped into my head yesterday.

(Later)

Still sucks. I've been reading some of Poe's writings and I've desperately wanted to read The Raven, but it might be too much. 

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