Friday, September 30, 2016

30 September 2016 (Friday)

How do I explain today? It started off well: Last night I slept better than I have in weeks, due to yesterday's events. No assistance needed and I mostly slept through the night. Great workout. Got a decent amount of work done this morning.

Felt less pathetic most of the day. Doesn't mean emotions still aren't raw. I broke down sobbing this morning when I read the following quote from Moby Dick:
There is a wisdom that is woe; but there is a woe that is madness. And there is a Catskill eagle in some souls that can alike dive down into the blackest gorges, and soar out of them again and become invisible in the sunny spaces. And even if he for ever flies within the gorge, that gorge is in the mountains; so that even in his lowest swoop the mountain eagle is still higher than other birds upon the plain, even though they soar. 

Thursday, September 29, 2016

29 September 2016 (Thursday)

At the time of this writing I am still trying to determine how well I slept last night. I awoke at 2:15 and thought I just didn't get back to sleep, but the next time I checked the clock it was 3:41 and I swear I wasn't laying awake that long. But I don't remember dreaming either. I did go back to sleep until 4:3ish and actually felt quite well-rested. So, I dunno.

Was in a particularly sad mood upon arising, too. It let up in the middle of the day as I was busy, as is usual.

Had a really good workout. They've moved a lot of equipment out and around, maybe getting ready for new stuff? I came home and did a little work and then went to the church to drop off some food and then decided to attend the Mass. Marge was there. At the sign of peace thing I gave her a hug instead of a hand shake. I think she liked that. I felt like I needed to go to Mass. Also lit a faux-vigil light on the way out. Was in a terrible state (not outwardly, of course).

Anyway, I did some work there and then called in a hair appt and they could get me in but I had to go right over, so I did that and then had lunch on the Ave. Then drove home, got my estate sale pants, had the alterations lady at NGate look at them, looked around for a new pair that might work, then hit the Goodwill, and then home. And promptly decided to walk down to UVil to get a bike light since I'll be riding in the dark tomorrow morning cuz the parking lot's closed at 6 am. Scum. Came home, did some stuff, started dinner, and broke down completely. Which actually felt quite good. Had to pull it together quickly because the Spousal Unit came home. No biggie, I don't look like I've cried after I've cried.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

28 September 2016 (Wednesday)

Sep 19 1952 Asked Barbara for our engagement while I was sitting in Lee Roy's car on [Tron of the Nob] High School just after taking her that far from school on her way home. We mostly always talk a while [there] before we go on home. I ask her about a quarter after four. 
Events:
Spousal Unit twisted (and sprained as it turned out) her ankle yesterday so she stayed home and had to take her to the walk-in clinic early this afternoon. I had a really good workout; classes started today so there were a lot of new people there today, and a bunch of familiar ones. I ran on the track for a few minutes. Cam home and then went to Cascadia after doing some Coptic stuff for a while. I had to take some gear back and then mostly worked on Coptic stuff until around 11:20, then came home, went to lunch, clinic, came home, broke down, went back, etc. I went to the UVil for dinner stuff and saw my old coworker Hendrika. Hadn't talked to her in years. Good to see her. Walked slowly, because I was in a not good mood (as per usual). I walked by myself a long way.


27 September 2016 (Tuesday)

Typing this in as we’re nearing Anacortes. Spent the day on Orcas. Not a bad day overall. Slow morning. They were pounding in pilings all morning which I didn’t really have to see, but this afternoon they pulled out old pilings which I had to. Nothing much, a little slumped midden next to one.

Managed to sleep okay last night although I used assistance twice to make sure I did. Had difficulty falling asleep which felt like it does when I’m stressed out although I shouldn’t be. Maybe it’s this whole Situation.

Speaking of which, I drove for about a mile and a half from Deer Harbor to the ferry dock sobbing. Really, I haven’t gone a single day since this started without breaking down at least once. Not really complaining; I need it. I need to wallow in the sadness so all the hoped-for changes set in. I don’t mind just sitting alone without anything to read or music to listen to; I never used to be able to do that. I look forward to being alone with my thoughts, bad as many (most?) of them are. Except in the radio in the car when I’m not alone all I’ve listened to is piano music. I think that one day I will look back on this period with a lot of fondness and nostalgia despite how miserable I feel now. Miserable, yes, but in a way I haven’t felt this alive in years. 

Monday, September 26, 2016

26 September 2016 (Monday)

Slept badly last night. Woke up at 2:15 and didn't get back to sleep until probably 3:30. Felt cruddy and in a bad mood all day. Had a darn good workout though, after a somewhat slow start. As I said earlier, realizing that part of why I'm doing it is kind of useless is actually helping.

Went downtown. Sharon was in which was good because we got some stuff squared away. I spent most of the morning getting Engi's data ready, which was difficult because I found a bug and it took a while to figure out how to fix it. And SPSS is a piece of s**t. I found out that using it to Save As a dataset containing 914 records to Excel means it will save only 845 records. Without an error message or anything. That's one of its less important bugs, btw.

Anyway, I did get quite a bit done. Ride home was uneventful. I did start getting. . . .I dunno. Emotions close to the edge, later in the afternoon. Broke down once I got home.

It's a bit embarrassing, I guess. But the issues all this has brought to the fore are. . .well, serious ones, at least in terms of one's general well being. They are things that, looking back on my old school report cards and such, I've dealt with most of my life. Things I've kind of known are flaws but never really addressed. When I should have addressed them as a young man, I got bitter and resentful instead. Sometimes you have to be knocked in the head good and hard to make changes. I got knocked good and hard.

Going to Orcas tomorrow. May not have an entry although I'll try to do it while waiting for the ferry instead. 

Sunday, September 25, 2016

25 September 2016 (Sunday)

7/11/39 Petrified Forest -- interesting -- & Soap Lake. Blue Lake. Lake Lenora - Park Lake. [Day] Falls. Grand Coulee Dam -- awfully big (112 degrees in shade). Spokane - Gonzaga College - stayed at Coeur d'Alene - swell [colors]
I haven't spent nearly enough time in eastern Washington.

How was today. . . . .fairly calm. Had a couple of minor breakdowns but was around people all day mostly so no opportunity to sit and think. But I hate this. I really hate it. Every minute of the day feels like something I just have to get through. But it's necessary.

I did sleep properly last night but was sleepy all day. Went to Mass. Took a short nap. Went to UVil. Piddled around the house. Walked.

I did play my guitar for 30 minutes. I. . . .enjoyed it. Perhaps that's something I will continue with. When I was working out last week one day it also struck me that one of the main reasons (or just one of the reasons) I do so is really worth very little. Pointless almost. That didn't ease up my workout though; in fact, I worked harder than usual the next couple of days. I don't know why that is.

I have a long way to go. 

Saturday, September 24, 2016

24 September 2016 (Saturday)

Can't say how I'm doing today since I'm dead tired. The airport trip didn't go as planned. There was an accident just north of the old Rainier brewery and then the airport was jam packed so it took me over an hour to get there. I guess lots of flights come in Friday night. So I didn't get to bed until after 10:30 (late for me) and then was awake at 5ish. Still, had a rough night at times and most of the morning I was very low. I did only break down once today (so far) and fairly mildly, but I believe that's mostly due to being so tired.

I allowed myself to feel low today though; it's okay. This morning I was thinking that it's been over two weeks so far and I haven't gone anywhere. Well, that's not true. Those first couple of days were absolutely brutal. I don't really even remember feeling that bad, that hopeless, that just plain awful in decades. So I guess I have improved somewhat. Still, one needs to concentrate on the Change part more, yes? That, however, brings its own trials since it's always a reminder of why one is doing it. But. . . .something good needs to come of all this.

We went to Norma's for monthly coffee and donuts and had a nice visit. I like chatting with them although I didn't chat much. We went to lunch at the BBQ place. Then went to three estate sales. Not much for me at the first two but the third was a Man's Man kind of place. Lots of hunting stuff and junk like that. I bought a pair of old brown wool pants for my Indiana Jones outfit. Came home and I watched football mostly. Also went to the QFC for dinner stuff.

Wisconsin whipped Michigan State 30-6. They may be very good this year. So far they've beaten LSU and MSU, both of whom were ranked in the top 10.

So, another day down. The Spousal Unit is back so I'm not alone with my own thoughts all day. That's probably good. 

Friday, September 23, 2016

23 September 2016 (Friday)

Can't say I was any better today. Different perhaps. Back to the basic sadness, I guess, more than the frustration I felt yesterday. My dear cousin Michele posted something on Facebook that hit home:
You either get bitter or you get better. It's that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down.The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you. 
Which is what I've tried to do now. It is difficult.

I slept okay, but it required  much assistance, though I had sort of planned that. I woke up at 1:30 and Jack was bugging me, and it kind of irritated me and I feel guilty about that because this morning I found their dry food dish empty and I think he was just hungry. I had given him some treats at some point, either at 1:30 or at 3:30 when I was awake again.

I rode my bike in because it didn't seem like it was raining too bad (it wasn't), so I didn't have to mess with the bus. Had a really good workout. I worked on some Coptic stuff this morning and and also the Prep School presentation, because I had thought I could do it next week, but it will be on Oct. 19 anyway. But I got it done. Will edit it some more in the interim.

Had lunch at McD's and then dropped off some equipment at Cascadia and then met Fiona at NGate. Had a good visit. I think she's worried about me.

I made a steak for dinner. I am getting the hang of it, it was quite good and I almost ate the whole thing. Walked. Will get the Spousal Unit from the airport around 9 tonight. 

Thursday, September 22, 2016

22 September 2016 (Thursday)

On 15 November 1953:
Put the new motor in the Plymouth this week. Got it running today. The 46 motor has been driven about 12,000 miles all ready[sic]. The car mileage when we put it in was 27,487.
That was Clarence. The Museum hasn't gotten back to me about taking it and he has a few entries in the Memoranda section that I will put in occasionally.

I slept fine last night until about 3:45 or so. I think. I ended up on the floor and kept waking up and going back to sleep but I don't think I did after 3:30. Was tired today. Workout went well even so.

I worked mostly on Coptic stuff all morning and then went to lunch and then Cascadia to get my check and thence to the dentist at 1. That went okay. Drove over and got my old leather jacket back. They did a good job on it, fits very well again and is comfortable. Came home and piddled with the school thing. I may do it next week anyway as the fieldwork seems to have evaporated. I'd rather get it out of the way anyway. I mean, it will be fun but I'm sure it will cause me stress. Subconsciously, but stress anyway. I walked to the UVil to cash a check and get cream cheese for tomorrow morning.

Okay today. I only had one semi-minor breakdown. Well, a couple of them. The evening is young, however. Last night I was watching a not terribly good sci fi movie (although I really like it) and at the end during the Touching Moment I broke down and bawled like a baby. That's how close to the surface things are. I dunno why I was less mopey today. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

21 September 2016 (Wednesday)

No entry yesterday; I didn't get home until 8:15. I managed to sleep fairly well Monday night, albeit with chemical assistance, but still had to get up at 4:30. I left at 5:30 (actually a little before) and got up to the work site before 9. Not a bad day. Started slowly, but finally got to monitor some of the work. There was some archaeological stuff, but not much and it was disturbed. Good bunch of guys, too. Nice area, on Orcas in a protected little bay near Deer Harbor. I got done there at like 2:30 and the boat didn't leave until 5:15 so I went to the Orcas Hotel and had a hot chocolate and did some work (I'd thought to bring my computer). Took a short nap, at some dinner I'd brought, and then the boat was late by a half an hour. So we didn't pull out until 5:45 or so. Still, I wasn't all frustrated and annoyed and angry and stuff. I was patient and just went along. This is entirely due to what I have been going through and why I don't want to go backwards. I can't. I just can't. I don't want to.

I slept okay last night although only until 3:30. The cats both slept next to me which was nice. So today I was tired. I kept reasonably busy all day between both Cascadia and Coptic. Mainly just doing little bits of stuff. Hence, I wasn't particularly mopey and junk all day. BTW, I almost didn't break down yesterday; I did some in the car on the way through town here and had to sit in the car for a few minutes in the driveway. I made up for it today, too, later in the afternoon. I don't even care. The worse I feel for the longer I feel it, the better I'll be in the long run.

I agreed also to do a little presentation at a local high school in a couple of weeks. Someone called Cascadia to see if someone would give a talk on archaeology so I will do that. I'm going to talk about how we analyze data. Probably will just concentrate on stratigraphy, faunal, and floral analysis since the class is on primary data and what to do with it. That kept me occupied.

Contractor guy also came over and looked at the back patio roof. He might be able to get to it this week. Went for a good long walk.

Not much else today on the usual topic.

Still sux. 

Monday, September 19, 2016

19 September 2016 (Monday)

Not much change today. Slept badly last night, kept waking up. I went from the bedroom to the TV room to the bedroom to the TV room. So, tired today. I kept busy most of the day so wasn't all mopey and junk, and was starting to wonder if today might be the first day without a breakdown. . . . .but no, fell down and bawled like a baby around 3. But it felt good.

It's like one of those water thingies where water dribbles into a bucket and when it gets full the bucket tips over.

And so it goes.

Workout went well. Went to Cascadia after doing a bit of Coptic work here. Got briefed on tomorrow's work on Orcas. Big operation there and they'll be working close to intact site. I'm hoping it is boring with nothing to see. Will be a long day though, I will leave here at 5:30 and probably not get back until 8.

Was productive this afternoon. After lunch I cleaned all the junk out of the back patio and took it to the transfer station in Shoreline. I even cut up the old screen door and took that, as well as the stupid cinder blocks that have been sitting out back for years. Much cleaner now.

Tomorrow will probably be my first breakdown-free day since I'll be busy and around people all day (or driving) and probably too tired when I get home. I don't really care how long I go; the longer I hold onto it the more likely things will set in place.

I'm taking my old soft-sided cooler tomorrow. I think I got it in 1987. At the time we thought it was the coolest (heh) thing since everything back then was styrofoam or the basic hard plastic. I took it to my field school. We decided it was so cool that we should write up a grant and get like 10 of them. But we had to give it a technical sounding name, so we came up with an Australopithecine Thermal Curation Unit or ATCU. I've been using some dopey little non-cooler thing and thought about getting a little real cooler, but then remembered I had this thing so I figured I may as well use it.

Rambling.

Another tough day. 

Sunday, September 18, 2016

18 September 2016 (Sunday)

4(6)/3/39
Had fire works at night -- oh were they beautiful. Paddy and Snooks are so cute when they play. I love it up there. Dad's worked on fireplace. 
I'll try to do one of these every Sunday; otherwise I'll run out.

I slept reasonably okay last night? Don't really recall, although I woke wide awake at -- yes, again -- 3:30 and said "F*** it" and took 1/4 ambien and then slept until about 5 and felt good about that. Took the Spousal Unit to the airport at 9:30 and then went to Spam's Club for gas and a couple of things, and then the PetSmart for some junk for the cats and then home, where I promptly broke down pitifully. Well, you know. Didn't have much chance yesterday so I guess it had built up. Just finished a shorter one now. *sniff*

I drove partway to the UVil around noon and forgot my check to cash and went back and saw Norma outside so I parked and chatted with her. They went too Disneyland last week and got in last night around midnight. She seemed glad to see me. Ate lunch outside, and then cashed the check and did what little shopping I had to do, which amounted to a half gallon of milk and a watermelon. Just not into it. I went to the Slaveway and just bought some soda on sale. Stopped by the house and then drove up to the car wash on Lake City; ended up renewing our yearly infinite washes thing. Drove back, did chores, etc., went for a long walk.

Next bit is all the usual touchy feely stuff; feel free to skip.

Really not any better today. Whereas yesterday I spent a good part of the day being frustrated and angry at myself, today was just the basic sadness.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

17 September 2016 (Saturday)

No real change for today. I'll eventually quit yakking about this. I feel like I've had the flu or something for the last couple of weeks. It's kind of similar I guess.

So. Only had a couple of minor breakdowns today. Not because of any improvement in my mood but because I was around people all day. I admit that I'm reevaluating pretty much everything I do. I haven't picked up my guitar in days since, well, was I trying to play that because I enjoyed it or because I wanted the attention? Probably the latter. Beer brewing? Do I even care about beer anymore? What should I even care about?

I'm reminded of Neil Peart's book Ghost Rider wherein, after the deaths of his wife and daughter within a year of each other, set off on a long motorcycle ride to recover. Not that my situation is anything nearly that traumatic, but we end up at much the same place:

“Another important process which had to go forward during this journey was that of reconstructing myself. I expect that job will continue for awhile. Needless to say, my foundation has been shaken so profoundly that even now I have no idea about such rudimentary notions as “who am I?” and “what is life?” I used to know these things, or feel that I did, but at the bottom of my soul there’s a sense of rejection toward whatever was."
“The elemental “faith” in life I used to possess is completely gone, to the extent that I now carry the built-in assumption that whatever I used to do was probably wrong (it didn’t “work,” after all), and thus every little element of my former life, behavior, interests, and habits, was up for re-examination."

I am, perhaps, not questioning everything quite so extensively -- I find work to be a balm, always has been when I go through these things -- but the idea is the same. 

Anyway. I slept mostly through the night until 4:15 or so. Tired all day. Went for breakfast. Watched lots of football. Estate sale. Meh. 

Friday, September 16, 2016

16 September 2016 (Friday)

12/23/38
Jimmy Cain sat in front of us but Washington won 42-40. Oh, oh, was I glad - U of W vs. Ohio State. Ziggy was swell!
First post by Jean Clausen on this blog.

I guess today was a little better maybe. Mainly because I was out and about a lot. Really good workout. Went to Cascadia for a bit after working on some Coptic stuff. Only worked there (mostly on Coptic) for about an hour and then went to meet Fiona at Green Lake and we walked around it. I had a nice time. Was somewhat nervous about it though, I was worried I would slip back into the Old Me around someone familiar. But no, I did well. It was a nice respite.

After that I went and had lunch at McD's and then did errands. I dropped off my old leather jacket at a place for repair. It will be like $230 but I think it's worth it. It's been with me for probably 20 years, been to Egypt a few times. It's a good jacket. Will bring it to Wisconsin for warmth and Halloween. Picked up the blinds on the way back and then put them up when I got home. Well, wait, first I went to the QFC to get dinner stuff and then I came home. And promptly broke down. It was just building up all day and it had to come out at some point; that's been the pattern. Then I hung the blinds. Walked at NGate.

I still haven't posted anything on Facebook.

UPDATE: Haven't been able to find anything on a Washington v. Ohio State game on 12/23/1938 that ended at 42-40. They didn't play a football game that day and nothing came up on basketball. So, hmmmmm. 

Thursday, September 15, 2016

15 September 2016 (Thursday)

I guess today was maybe a little better? Didn't start out that great, although I managed a decent night's sleep again. Eyes got pretty moist on the ride to the IMA and I felt pretty down all morning; I had a lot to do work-wise so that kept my mind occupied. Was attempting to find something interesting with the LEEP data but came up empty. Did a lot of swearing at it though, more stupid merging idiocy. Appetite was about the same.

But no, I'm not an alcoholic hitting rock bottom, or suffering a serious disease, or getting a divorce, or anything like that. Writing it down is kinda of cathartic though.

Got the Honda back. $2500 for rebuilt transmission and new clutch. Drives well. Probably about the right price for that amount of work.

I'll start providing a little information on the new diarist, which I may have done already. Her name is Jean Maurice Clausen and she was born around 9/7/1921 which would mean that when she starts her diary in March of 1936 she was 15. Haven't been able to find much of anything about her online yet, although I did find her in a 1940 census, and it lists her age as 19 then so it must be her. And she lived at 600 N. 44th which is the home I bought the diary at. Otherwise, no obituary or anything. I think her mother's name was Ruth and father's Morris.

Tomorrow I think maybe I'll start posting some short notes she made. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

14 September 2016 (Wednesday)

Let's face it: it'll be at least a few days before I post diary entries again. Plenty of time, the new one doesn't start until next March anyway. In the meantime, future readers will have to put up with my dark and whiny blatherings. . .

Something I missed from last night since I was so emotionally worked up: Daisy was wandering around the house around 4:45 yesterday meowing -- which she rarely ever does -- so I knew something was going on but I couldn't figure out what. She worked up a hairball down in the basement, and I thought that was the end of it but she kept at it but kept running away when I tied to see what was wrong. So I hid on the steps and watched and she found a spot and squatted down and let loose some nasty diarrhea. Poor thing. Although I wished she'd done it in the litter box, she must have been in some distress. The Spousal Unit gave her some new sample treats yesterday and we think that disagreed with her. That stuff was just naaaaaaaaasty. I started to gag at one point.

Anyway.

I guess today may have been somewhat better. I spent about an hour after going to bed last night (actually out in the TV room) crisising over what to do and eventually kind of came to a few things about me that I desperately need to discard -- which was very, very useful, if kind of trying -- had another crying jag, and then actually got a decent night's sleep with only minimal assistance. Had an epic workout. Spent most of the day at Cascadia which helped keep the emotions in check although I got fairly misty eyed a few times. Broke down when I got home. Had to go to UVil for dinner things and didn't even contemplate going to the SBux.

This is also exhausting. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

13 September 2016 (Tuesday)

Cracked open the new diary to maybe post something, but I still don't care. Same old same old today, although I was downtown all day so any breakdowns were held in check. The dam broke when I got home, of course.

Note: Need to use the later bus back because the last two times it's been crammed with approximately 10 million high school kids from Roosevelt. 

Appetite still at a low ebb. I barely choked down a scone for lunch, and didn't eat anything until dinner. It's just the actual act of eating isn't very pleasant. Not that I mind terribly, I could slim down a bit. There is literally no one I can even talk to about this. At least in detail, it is mine and mine alone. This is the only place where I've even mentioned that anything is wrong. 

A couple of lines from Poe's The Raven came to me while I was eating lunch:
Respite – respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore  
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!
"Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
Nepenthe is a mythological drink that makes the user forget pain and sorrow. As you can imagine, that seems like a fairly noteworthy idea to me right now. 

After reading the following stanzas -- without breaking down since I was in public:
Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil! –
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted –
On this home by Horror haunted – tell me truly, I implore –
Is there – is there balm in Gilead? – tell me – tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
 
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil – prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us – by that God we both adore –
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore –
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
 
"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting –
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! – quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."
 
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted – nevermore!

I later had an epiphany about all that: It's not about a bird at all. The raven is an allegory for the poet's inability to let go of his anguish over the loss of Lenore. (I wrote that in my work notes so I wouldn't forget it). 


Monday, September 12, 2016

12 September 2016 (Monday)

I started the recovery process today, albeit only in fits and starts. Another bad night but, through the wonders of chemistry, managed a halfway decent night's sleep. A great deal of middle-of-the-night praying and soul-searching may have produced results: I awoke with, what I hope to be, the proper pieces in place for the New Me. I won't go into details, but they all sat well with my ideas of what I want to be and should be, and were also surprisingly easy to implement, at least insofar as today is concerned. That's actually a good thing, it means they have (presumably) sunk in. I will divulge, again without going into details, the main one can be described as recognizing Attention-Seeking Bullshit.

Pardon the French.

Actually went through my ride in and workout with only resignation on my mind (for the most part) although at least through the early afternoon emotions were still exceedingly raw and near the surface (read: a couple instances of uncontrolled sobbing, so hard I dripped snot on my pants, eww, yes).

Appetite is still not there. I had lunch at NGate, my usual side of chow mein, and barely choked down 2/3 of it. It's not just some kind of self-torture thing; I've gone through this before and eating is just. . . .unappetizing. My stomach doesn't necessarily become uncomfortable, although I can often feel it as hungry, but the actual business of eating is almost a matter of forcing.

This sucks.

The phrase "Fate is an asshole" popped into my head yesterday.

(Later)

Still sucks. I've been reading some of Poe's writings and I've desperately wanted to read The Raven, but it might be too much. 

Sunday, September 11, 2016

11 September 2016 (Sunday)

I have no real words for today. Probably worse than yesterday. I just want to lie down in a dark room.

I hope something good comes of this. 

Saturday, September 10, 2016

10 September 2016 (Saturday)

First day post-Clarence. I would have said a few words as something of a eulogy of our time together but, frankly, it's not something I care about the last couple of days. Today was again a bad day all around. I slept badly and woke up at 3:30, but I really didn't care. I haven't been this emotionally devastated in probably 30 years. Deaths are a sad and heart-rending affair, but this is. . . .I think different. And worse in many ways.

I broke down and wept three times yesterday; only once today (so far) but have been largely on the verge of tears all day, not breaking down only because I was around the Spousal Unit most of the day.  My mom had a setback and it suddenly really sunk in that she cold not even be there when I get back and that could be the end of my trips to Wisconsin. That makes me incredibly sad. My appetite is barely there. I don't really care about much of anything. If I were single and alone I probably wouldn't have eaten the last couple of days. Just sucks. 

Friday, September 9, 2016

9 September 2016 (Friday)

On this day in 1954 (Thursday):
Went to school this morning as usual. Brought my [bun] home tonight and had to play for a U.S.O. dance at the Y.M.C.A. Made some more plans for my wedding. Got a ride down to the [door] and back. Got in about 11:30 and feel like hell. Am not going to school tomorrow. Bought some [school] music tonight $.50. Also was down to [Turgrass] a little while. Spent $.50. 
And that's that. I actually typed this in the day before just because I wanted to see what happened. He gets married the next day (September 10) and was married to her until 1986 when she died, 32 years. Kind of amazing that.

I have no real thoughts today, good, bad, or otherwise. Something happened this morning (not really 'happened', but became obvious). Suffice it to say that it was the dying of an idea that had no business being born, let alone nurtured. But it ends here and it ends now. I don't want to be happy, just well regarded. That is where I belong and where I am going.

Good bye, Clarence, it was good to follow you. Requiescat in Pace

Thursday, September 8, 2016

8 September 2016 (Thursday)

On this day in 1954 (Wednesday):
Got up early this morning to get off to school. Everything was about the same. After school I did some work around the house and [called] up in [ugamules] to some place for the wedding. Called up Ron [longbitous]. Didn't feel too good tonight. Getting to bed about 10:00. Did some math before going to sleep. [Iam] feel rotten. 
The penultimate entry of our 2.75 years together. One more tomorrow and my time with Clarence will be done.

Today was kind of a sucky day. Slept okay, although I needed some assistance around 2-3 this morning. Not an anxiety attack (or whatever) exactly, but I was worrying about stuff. Mainly this excavation permit. I did some work on it this morning and then waited around until J. got it reviewed which was at like 1 this afternoon at which time I had to go to Cascadia and finish it up. Was a bit more stuff to do on it than I'd thought, including calculating the volumes (ha) and estimating the sample size. It's such a joke of a permit application because it's a big bureaucratic CYA thing for the most part. Anyway, I got it out around 4 this afternoon, after actually talking with the client on the phone in the parking lot of Salmon's Service Center and fiddling on my computer. Sheesh.

Was at the repair place because the Honda needs a new clutch. Actually it was a part of the clutch, which was still in decent condition, but they're going to put a whole new one in. I don't feel too bad about it since it's on the original clutch with almost 180k miles on it. BUT so far this week the one toilet went out, the car needs the clutch, and another set of blinds' cord broke. Like everything's falling apart at once. And the chimney guy came today, too.

Hence, I worked a lot but didn't really get a lot done apart from the stupid permit. Well, I did some Coptic stuff, too.

Workout was okay. More sorority chicks trickling in. I went running on the track again today. Was going to use the big goofy leg machine but never got around to it.

I dunno, just a stressful day today. Don't think I got hit with anxiety, as I used to, but am trying to keep the old muftig feeling going. It tends to mute everything else. 

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

7 September 2016 (Wednesday)

On this day in 1954 (Tuesday):
Got up early this morning and went and got Louise. We went down about 10:45 and got our Marriage License. $5.00. We then went around town looking for a ring. $43.35. We took the bus from town back to Ray's $.40. Had dinner down town $1.55. Stayed with her all evening until dad and I left for home. Left Tacoma at 6:00 and got home 10:20. Had a [wreck] on the way but not [much heat]. Spent $50.95.
I guess Louise moved to Tacoma? Odd. I don't know if they had a "wreck" but that's what it looked like.

Slept meh last night, needed assistance twice, unfortunately. No anxiety attack (or whatever) but I did wake up pretty wide awake at 3. I went back to sleep until 5 eventually. Had a really good workout this morning, too. Had a good mood going, I think. Went to Rotunda, went downtown, nothing big to report. Rowena and I went for coffee. I dunno, was pretty busy all day getting some data ready for Engi. Was a bit more difficult than I thought. I worked on getting the non-randomized LEEP people ready, too. Some of it is confusing but I think I have the basic data that can be analyzed. Basically, I'm going to check how many people (women, obviously) "failed" -- that is, had high-grade (HSIL) disease -- return after being treated with LEEP.

Bus ride home was uneventful. Well, a bunch of high schoolers got on. Went walking at NGate because it was raining.

My old neighbor, Kaye, messaged me saying she had gone to see mom at the Home and said she would do anything we needed if she could because "mom and dad were very special to our family". That's always nice to hear. I hope I can be thought of as well as they have been. 

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

6 September 2016 (Tuesday)

On this day in 1954 (Monday):
Got up early this morning and went down to Wapato to play in the parade. On the way down saw a train hit a car. Did picked me up from Wapato and we had dinner at Grandma's and then left for [Tacoma]. Saw Louise the first thing. Stayed with her until about 10:00. Ray and Lola took her home. Watched T.V. until after 12:00. 
I mostly slept well last night, except that I had my first anxiety attack (or whatever) a little before 4. Ugh. Really, I haven't had one of those in a while. I've mentioned that I often(ish) wake up and start worrying about things or more accurately my mind starts going a hundred miles an hour mostly about negative stuff, but these anxiety attacks (or whatever) are different. Less worrying about things generally, more about things specifically to me and they're much darker and more negative about myself rather than other things. I got up so was kind of tired all day. Also kind of was in a bad mood, although that could have resulted from the anxiety attack (or whatever). Took until I was driving down to the IMA before I calmed down and slipped into muftig mode once again. Felt particularly so all day, which was kind of good although there was an issue involving my dear cousin Michele that also sent me into a mood. But it was good because I had a good, hard workout and worked steadily once I got to Cascadia. I went right over there from the gym and started in on the excavation permit. Got it mostly all done, just needs a review and then I can send it.

Met the Spousal Unit at NGate for lunch and then I went home and she went off to find blind chords or something. The main toilet is not functioning properly so I called the plummer and we're getting a new one. It works but you have to reach into the tank and push the float down before it will start filling.

Also made an appt. for the Honda to have the oil changed and the engine looked at. Running rough. I need to recheck the oil which I shall do in a minute.

Walked. Was raining steadily this morning and I think we got a good snort of rain overnight. 

Monday, September 5, 2016

5 September 2016 (Monday, Labor Day)

On this day in 1954 (Sunday):
Got a letter this morning from Louise [special blessing]. I walked down to the church and then went to Grandma's for dinner. After dinner I went to the show at the Yakima $.85. Helped dad on the car when I got home and I got packed up to leave for [Tacoma] tomorrow. Listened to the radio for a while and had a hard time getting off to sleep. Spent $.85.
Only four more entries with good ol' Clarence. He does have a few more entries in the back which I may include though. I have some time until the next diary starts so I could go through some of those.

I had kind of a blah day. Blah in the sense of not much going on, not much fun, etc. I slept quite well though, on the floor the whole night. Several times I awoke and heard Daisy near my head purring, and found out when I got up that Jack had been laying next to me. I woke up at 5 with the alarm. Piddled around until the Spousal Unit got up at 7. Went out for breakfast. I just their pancakes again, and they are pretty meh. I did some chores when I got back and then. . . .hmmm, what did I do. Read some stuff on the Internets. We left for Alderwood around 11. Didn't do much up there either. Lunch was not terribly interesting or good. Left there around 1:45 I guess and stopped and got some groceries.

I made steak tonight and it was okay. I set a baseline set of parameters for it though: a relatively thin steak is overdone with 7 minutes per side. 4 minutes for the usual kind of thin one (like maybe .5-.75 inches) would probably do it.

This afternoon I started using some thing called 'Yousician' which is online interactive music lessons. I botched the Introduction where it determines your skill level. I didn't warm up at all. So I started probably at their most basic. Which, oddly enough, is probably good because I was pretty terrible at their most basic lesson. It is much more difficult to try to work with a specific background melody and metronome than just noodling. Sheesh. But I suppose this is useful to start at the beginning. I did the one lesson over and over again and never even got it perfect. That's what's kind of annoying and frustrating, but also. . . . .comforting. Reminds me of when I was a beginning trumpet player, I must have sounded awful doing the most simple of melodies. I will try to stick with it for a while.

Walked. Supposed to rain a lot overnight. Only 63 today, I even turned on the heat. Managed to remain fairly muftig the whole day. 

Sunday, September 4, 2016

4 September 2016 (Sunday)

On this day in 1954 (Saturday):
Dad took me up to the high school this morning at 8:00 when I left for the parade at Ellensburg. went to the rodeo today. Went up and back pn a Greyhound bus. Got back to Yakima about 7:00. Ate at Grandma's and then dad brought me home and I got to bed about 9:00 this evening and listened to the radio for a while. Sure am tired tonight. Got a letter from [Lan] today. Eats $.75. Spent $.75.
Pretty reasonable day today. Slept okay. I woke up at 4 and thought I was awake for good, but I decided to just lie there and pray for mom -- just doing random Hail Marys' and Our Fathers' -- and I think I kept dozing off. Ended up "waking up" at 5 and felt pretty good all day. Watched the F1 race and, as usual, the guy who came out of turn 1 in the lead just stayed that way *yawn*. The NASCAR race is on now, too. Will watch Texas-Notre Dame after that. Yay.

I felt kinda crappy so I didn't go to Mass -- probably drinking too much beer yesterday afternoon cuz I was all excited about the Badgers -- and had to get a mocha instead. We drove up to Deception Pass and had lunch in Anacortes. . .  .at a McD's. We were trying to find a neat little cafe or something but didn't see any and we were starving. Wasn't even very good. Then I missed the turn for Ft. Ebey State Park so we didn't get to go to the beach there (did stop at Penn Cove though) and then tried South Whidbey State Park but their beach access was closed so harrumph.

Stopped at the DQ in Clinton and then got on the ferry and home by about 3:30. Walked. Ordered salads from Pagliacci in.

Mom has a UTI which explains the goofiness and probably the not feeling well. Apparently those are very common in nursing homes. Kinda sad but that's the way it is. 

Saturday, September 3, 2016

3 September 2016 (Saturday)

On this day in 1954 (Friday):
Went to school this morning as usual. Played for the first assembly today. Classes were about the same. Came home and slept a while after school this afternoon. Ate supper at Grandma's and then went down town a little while. Played for the [Terry] dance tonight and then [church] around with the boys until about 2:30 this morning. Had some eats at the [bunghyas] $.45. Pop $.05. Spent $.50. 
Today had its ups and downs. On the up side, I slept really, really well. Until 5:15! Went out for breakfast and I had bacon and pancakes for a change. Didn't need much because I was well-rested. I actually watched college football at 5:30: they had a game in Dublin, Ireland (Georgia Tech V Boston College, and GT won). Kinda piddled around some more when we got back and then watched some more football. The ESPN people were at Lambeau for the Wisconsin-LSU game. Badgers won! They played a great game for the most part, but got complacent in the 3rd and almost gave it up. LSU was ranked #5. That was another up part.

We'd gone out for lunch and then stopped at Lowe's and got some weed and feed for the lawn and then an estate sale, and then a stop for brats and then home. Watched the Badgers mostly, and drank some beer. I think I ended up drinking like 12 ounces and we'll see how that affects me. It was over more than an hour, but still. Anyway, I was really up after the Badger game.

The downer came when the nursing home called my siblings. It's not that bad really, mom may have had a minor. . . .episode. I dunno. Or something. Said she was weak on her left side and was kind of sleepy and some other stuff. Doesn't appear to be serious but it's a reminder that she is really not in the best of shape and bad things can happen at any time. So I calmed down again. We walked around here. It was raining pretty heavily this morning but gradually cleared up and was nice and sunny this afternoon and evening.

One way to imagine all this struggling with my mood lately -- the whole muftig thing -- is really to think of it as having a kid who is "hyperactive" and trying to calm him down. That's me. As I indicated with my old report cards, I would have been a classic hyperactive kid and would undoubtedly be medicated these days. That's kind of what it is like though; I'm trying to calm myself down from being all hyperactive and such. And with the 'hyperactivity' comes all sorts of other junk, which calming down deals with as well. 

Friday, September 2, 2016

2 September 2016 (Friday)

On this day in 1954 (Thursday):
Went to school this morning as usual. Everything was about the same. I started to get my first assignment today. Dad picked me up from school today and I went down to the church with him. After supper I wrote a[sic] application for a job and played a U.S.O. dance. One of the boys took me down and brought me back. Getting to bed about 1:40 this morning. Coke $.05. Spent $.05. 
Rain, blessed rain. It rained a good chunk of the morning and rained well. Heavy around 10 (at least). I welcomed it. August was a dry month and the grass was brown and I had been watering almost every night. Hopefully that is done until next year.

I was not as dreary as the weather, although I will admit that when I don't wake up with my muftig feeling I acquire it at the gym. Perhaps I'm more focused down there, with no real distractions, at least mental ones anyway. Speaking of, I had a really good workout this morning. The heaviness of the last couple of days was gone and I felt little fatigue the whole time. It was one of those days where I probably could have gone on for another hour. I ate pasta last night and also slept pretty well, so that was probably much of it, although it was very cool last night and that may have contributed to the adequate rest.

The Spousal Unit took the day off so I was on my own. . . .almost. Jack and Daisy were both up and while I was in the bathroom first thing Daisy kept rubbing against me and meowing little meows -- she rarely says anything -- and then after Jack jumped down from the counter she practically ran in and jumped up, waiting to be brushed. Sometimes she just really wants attention from me. So I brushed her and then she got in the sink, which she likes for some reason, so I had to give her some good scratching while she was there. Dunno why she needed the attention, although she did throw up a little overnight and was probably hungry. Was running late because of that, but that was okay.

I left for Cascadia pretty quickly and did some minor things there for about 2 hours. The one client I'm doing the excavation permit for is. . . .well, he's busy. He has lots to contribute. And asks lots of questions. Which I actually kind of like, it shows he's interested in the process. Some of them are kind of silly, but it's nice to work with someone who's paying attention. Mr. Smith from last year was like that, too, and although I think he may have been a little sneaky about what was going on at his place, I felt like he wasn't stabbing me in the back or anything. He seemed more like a front stabber, which I can respect.

Left around 11:30 and we went to NGate for lunch and then an estate sale -- I got two CDs, very nice ladies who were doing the sale -- and then a bit of groceries and then home. I didn't do much this afternoon. We watched the end of Tron: Legacy which I really like even though it's probably not well thought of. But, oh Lord, Olivia Wilde in that. . . . .

Rained heavily around 4 and I had to go out and re-unclog the rain chain and my pants got soaked doing so. Walked at NGate, too. 

Thursday, September 1, 2016

1 September 2016 (Thursday)

On this day in 1954 (Wednesday):
Got to school early this morning. Got all my [uniform] this morning. Also paid my English fee $1.00 and my drawing fee $1.00 and bought my [A.S.A.] $7.50. Got a ride home with Mike after school this evening. After supper this evening I went to the school with Earl [Crauo] $.75. We went to the Liberty. I got home about 11:30 tonight. Spent $10.75.
I certainly won't miss the long entries and squinty writing. . . .

I slept magnificently last night. Woke up a few times but mostly all the way through until 4:40. Felt great. In a great mood (i.e., good and muftig) and had a decent enough workout, too. I stayed here and worked on Coptic stuff all morning although I wasn't all that productive. I did get the non-randomized LEEP patients' data mostly squared away though. I worked right up until noon and then had the Spousal Unit's leftover sandwich for lunch. In reality, I did not spend any money today at all. That's kind of a rarity. I had what is called a London Fog, which is basically a tea latte: tea in hot milk. I've described it before, what I learned in Kenya. The real London Fog around here (at SBux and everywhere else) is actually tea (usually Earl Grey), steamed milk, and vanilla. Mine's close enough.

After lunch I did a little with the Cascadia excavation permit and then drove the food donation up to the church and chatted with Carol for a bit. Apparently, each speed hump costs $1500. She'd gone to the public meeting about the damn things and said they just listen and do what they want anyway, which is what I knew as well.

I was going to go up to NGate but it was a bit late (2) so I just went to UVil thinking I might get something for dinner, but I really wanted some chocolate so I just went to the SBux and got a decaf iced mocha. It was okay. Pleasant little time. Came home, fiddled with guitar, dinner, walk. We beat the rain. Didn't really rain much today but it's supposed to overnight. It's been raining just about everywhere but the central core here.